Soap is not a condiment
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
