and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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