i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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