It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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