I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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