i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
