we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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