Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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