I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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