Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
