Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i think i have herpe
just one?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
