Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
