At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
