i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
