The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
