I only kidnapped one of them. chill
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
