I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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