I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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