Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
