i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
