You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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