You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
