This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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