never play flip cup with pint glasses
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
