when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
