I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
