What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
