Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
