we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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