look no pants
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
