my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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