Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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