Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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