Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
