i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
