Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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