when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
