I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
