He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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