yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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