sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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