i wish my penis had a tongue
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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