There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize