i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
