I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
