Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It's shark week go big or go home
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