I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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