there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
im holly from the hills drunk
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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