Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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