Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize