I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
