He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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