and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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