Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
