wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
