I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
