well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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