i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize